The Gift of Singleness

Technically, I’ve been single for 25 years because I’ve never been married.  However, I’ve been single in the sense of not dating anyone for almost 7 years.  I haven’t dated anyone seriously since my senior year of high school.  There are several reasons why I haven’t dated anyone; I’ve gone through many seasons in my singleness.  My journey has been tedious, hard, lonely at times, but worth it all, and that is something that can only be said in hindsight. 

To begin with I was single because I was pining after my lost love.  I couldn’t think of dating anyone other than him.  Later, I moved into a season of being single because I was afraid of getting my heart broken again.  Then I moved into a season of singleness because I made a commitment to God to be single for a year.  In that year, he mended my broken heart and gave me a new perspective.  This new perspective started the last season that I’ve been in for over 5 years—the season of being single until God reveals it’s His time.

For years I’ve been committed to remaining single and only dating someone that God has placed in my life.  Some people wonder how I will know it’s God’s will, or what I want in a mate if I don’t date, but I just trust that God will make His will known.  In this season of singleness I have gone through several stages: discontentedness, giving up, and finally being content.

The myriad of emotions of a single woman, whether she is 18, 25, or 45, varies significantly with each individual.  We all go through seasons.  Discontentedness, giving up, and contentment are a few of the seasons I’ve experienced, and here are my thoughts about them.

Discontentedness

Some women, and even myself at times, are completely discontent in their singleness.  Being alone can be scary-especially when you think about the possibility of never having someone.  Being alone can also be discouraging.  You can find yourself wondering what is wrong with you, or spend your time obsessing over the things you “think” must be wrong with you.  You might put an enormous amount of energy and effort into “fixing” yourself, or turning yourself into the person you think you ought to be.  Only to find out when you reach that version of yourself, you don’t even recognize who’s looking back at you in the mirror.  Or you become that person and realize that all that effort was in vain, you still didn’t find Mr. Right.

Other discontented women look to whoever and whomever to fill the void of loneliness.  They think it’s better to have someone than no one, even if he/she doesn’t respect me or treasure me.  I’ve watched people date others they can barely stand just to keep from being alone.  They think, “Well if God won’t send me someone, I’ll find someone myself.” 

Discontentedness is a hard place to be.  It can affect all areas of your life by casting an undesirable shadow around everything in your life.  It can be discouraging to the point that you eventually reach the next stage- giving up.

Giving up

There is another stage for singles, and it is of those who have given up on relationships altogether.  They’ve accepted the lie that they aren’t good enough, or that they will never find anyone.  Some might think they are emotionally or physically damaged, and who would want them?  Some of these women have turned to other things to appease their loneliness.  These things in the end only cause them to feel even lonelier.

I don’t think that giving up is in my nature.  I tend to want to push on, just to prove to myself that I can.  Although I have been defeated to the point of wanting to give up in my singleness (usually directly after a time of being hurt), I tend to get back up and fight.  I’ve found that discontentedness is not the way to live and neither is living defeated, so I finally graduated to a state of contentedness.

Content

Contentedness is the category of women I have looked up to for years - the women who are content in their singleness and confident in who they are.  These women have realized the true reality of singleness and used it for God’s glory. 

A couple of years ago, a friend told me about a sermon by a college campus pastor named Ben Stuart on the gift of singleness.  You see, so often people view singleness as a curse.  We are made to think that if we are single, something has to be wrong with us.  We often get discouraged because one of the first things out of a stranger’s mouth is, “Are you married?” or “Are you seeing anyone?”.  With questions like that, we think that obviously being with someone is the most important thing.

However, Ben Stuart’s message on the gift of singleness changed my whole perspective on what it means to be single, and it helped me to arrive at the stage of being content.  God is the giver of all good gifts.  If He’s chosen to give you the gift of singleness, it’s for a purpose.

A few years ago, I was journaling a prayer to God and during that time God chose to respond to the cries of my heart.  People can argue whether they believe God would speak to me like this, but I know it was truth.  God responded to my heart in a time of loneliness by telling me that in His perfect timing He would have the perfect mate for me.  This mate would be like a gift for me to enjoy and cherish.  But He also wants me to be sure that I don’t expect my mate to make me whole because only He can make me whole.  He also said gifts don’t serve a purpose in which only the receiver enjoys the gift.  The perfect gift causes you to fall more in love with the giver.  If you accept your singleness as a gift, it will cause you to fall more in love with the Giver!

Each one of us is in our own seasons.  God has already given some of us the gifts of marriage and a family.  If he has given that to you, then cherish those gifts.  However, for those of us who have been given the gift of singleness, whether forever or for the time being, we should also cherish that gift.  When we start to view our singleness as a gift-the perfect gift for the time being- we allow God to use us in spectacular ways.

Being single has its perks, and as a single we are able to do some things that people with spouses or families just can’t.  For one, it’s the perfect time for us to sit at Jesus’ feet and learn from Him.  It’s one of the only times in our lives we will have the opportunity to be completely devoted to Him.  It’s a time for us to take risks, and even leave everything behind.  If I was married or had a family/responsibilities, I wouldn’t have been able to leave everything and come to Ethiopia in a matter of weeks.  It’s a time to have fun and do whatever you want without having to worry about someone at home waiting for you.  If you want to hang out with friends until 2:00 in the morning you can.  If you want to pack up and take a trip down to southern parts of Ethiopia without a plan of action, you can!  It’s such a unique season, and something to be celebrated; it’s not something we should mourn.

This particular topic is something that is near and dear to my heart.  I want to see people embrace their singleness as the gift that it is, and use it for God’s glory.  Living a discontented or defeated life is not the plan that God has for you!  However, you have to choose to accept His plans along with His timing.  Don’t give in or give up, wait on Him!