Spiritual Challenges

If I had to describe this year using one word, I would say challenging.  As I reflect over my second year of teaching, my second year of living in Ethiopia, and my 8^th year of being a Christ follower, I feel that this has been a year filled with numerous challenges.  The challenges that I’ve encountered have been spiritual, cultural, and professional.  However, in hindsight when I think about it, one scripture passage comes to mind:

 “Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.” James 1:-4

Although I have grown up in church, and have regularly attended since I was a child, I don’t consider myself making a personal choice to seek and serve Jesus until I was 17.  This was the time in which my life was forever changed by Jesus Christ and His gift of salvation.  Since then, I make many mistakes every day, but I’ve also daily desired to grow closer to God.  When I look back on how much God has changed me since then, there is only one word that comes to mind: redemption.  I’m living proof that God is a Redeemer, and He can take ashes and turn them into beauty.

Over the years, He has taken a selfish, lost girl and turned her into a strong woman of God.  The 25 year old version of me doesn’t even recognize the 17 year old girl I once was.  There are times I see remnants of her in myself, but other times I am amazed at how much God has changed me.  He has changed my heart’s desires, passions, and priorities. He’s given me a faith that pushes limits.  And a courage to not fear but follow Him.  I’ve heard Him speak to the private chambers of my heart, seen Him move mountains, and work miracles.  I’ve been blessed by His provisions, strengthened by his wisdom in withholding, and humbled by His divine timing.

I’ve had years filled with spiritual highs in which I can rejoice in all that I have seen the Lord do in and around me.  However, often times these years have been followed by years in which I barely notice His presence.  This past year has more closely resembled the latter.  If I had to describe my spiritual state over the past year, the word dry would be the most appropriate adjective to fill in the blank.  I’m surrounded by an encouraging and supportive Christian community, fulfilling the will that I know the Lord has for my life, but yet I have felt spiritually numb. 

There have been days that I come home worn out and exhausted and instead of going to the One who sustains my life, I choose to do something mindless and not fulfilling.  I feel as if my walk with the Lord has been a continual battle of me choosing other idols or “less wild lovers”, as John Eldridge and Brent Curtis state in The Sacred Romance, over God.  I’m living proof of someone who has experienced the glorious power and love of Christ, but yet I choose other things to fill my time and satisfy me.

As I’m starting to get on the other side of this spiritual drought, I’m starting to realize how this is a part of being human.  I’ve talked to Christians that I admire and look up to who have gone through the same battles multiple times over the years.  I’ve read books by authors who have experienced the same seasons.  As I look through scripture, it’s evident that God’s people have always struggled with choosing idols over Him.  But the questions to wrestle with are: What do I do when I find myself in this state?  How does God use it for His glory?

The most encouraging thing I read during this season was from C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape Letters.  C.S. Lewis writes:

The prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him (God) best…..Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending to do God’s will, looks around upon a Universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

What I have found to be true is that, when you don’t feel like obeying what God has spoken, or feel like opening up the word, or feel like praying, these are the times that are the most meaningful.  Sometimes you just have to press through and believe by faith that God is there with you and is listening to your prayers and meeting with you as you open His word.

Some of my prayers during this time have been the most honest and raw prayers I’ve ever prayed.  Although they haven’t been as frequent, they have been true and unhindered.  My journal has not been written in as often, but the entries are filled with evidence of this battle within my heart and my desire to get beyond it.  Although I feel that I have had a lack of faith, in Christ’s power I’ve still had the ability to stand firm.  I’ve lost my balance a few times, but the foundation has remained intact. 

God is glorified in these times because His power and character are tested and proven true.  It becomes evident that God remains faithful even when you do not.  You experience His grace and it humbles you.  You realize that there is nothing really special about you; you can’t take credit for anything when it comes to you and God.  It forces you to acknowledge that you serve a special God who has an unfailing love and performs wonderful deeds for men. (Psalm 107)

This year has been a year of trials, and in hindsight I’m considering it pure joy.  I’ve been tested and have persevered so that God may finish His work in me.  I’m so thankful that He loves me the way that I am, but doesn’t want to keep me that way.  I’m grateful for His refinement and redemption in my life, and I look forward to another year of serving Him in Ethiopia.