Bystander or Not?!

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends." - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

This quote caught my eye and slapped me in the face last week.  A beloved friend of mine (you know who you are girl ;) posted a response and a sermon addressing some of the complexities surrounding this #blacklivesmatter movement as a result of recent events in our country. I took the time to listen to Andy Stanley’s sermon “Skin in the Game” which was an open conversation between black and white Christian leaders trying to provide background, answers, and explanations for this multifaceted reality and how Christians should respond and show their support to their black brothers and sisters and our brave first responders who risk their lives daily to protect us.

By nature I am more of a social media bystander when it comes to events like these.  I don’t really like to rock the boat; I’m a lover, not a fighter.  I choose to not get involved in controversial debates and even sometimes ignore it all together, scrolling right past both sides of the issues, looking for more cheerful posts like quizzes that help me identify, “What color best suits you?” or “Who is your T.V. husband, based on your personality?”  Something in me just has to know those things…… But when it comes to REAL, RAW, HARD issues; I like to stay on the sidelines…..Why is that?

After reading this quote and listening to this sermon, I was reminded of a question one of my students asked me this year.  I had a group of students reading Number of the Stars, a book about a Jewish girl and her best friend living in Copenhagen during the Holocaust.  Annemarie’s family risked their lives to hide her Jewish friend Ellen during the war.  It is a beautiful story of courage and friendship during this historical nightmare.  One student posed the question to the group, “If you lived during this time period, what would you do?  Would you hide your best friend?”  As I sat back and watched this conversation take place, I was blown away by the deep, mature responses.  Some students said yes, definitely!  I would protect my friend!  And I am sure some of them would.  But then one girl honestly admitted that she didn’t know if she would.  She said that she would be afraid of getting in trouble.  She declared that of course she thought it was horrible, and she wouldn’t be mean to the Jews, but she didn’t know if she would be brave enough to hide her friend and put her own family at risk.  Wow! I so appreciated her honesty.  Then the question turned to me, my students asked me, “Ms. Cawood, what would you do?”  This is a moment we as teachers face when we have to decide to be completely honest, or to say the “right thing”.  Taking the lead of my 11-year old student, I chose to answer honestly.  I said, “I would hope to think that I would hide my friend.  If I was ever faced with a situation like that, I hope I would be a hero like Corrie Ten Boom and save the lives of many.  BUT I know that there have been times in my life when I have stood by and been silent.  In school, I watched others being bullied or disrespected and did nothing.  I myself was not throwing the insults, but I also wasn’t shielding them.  I haven’t always stood up for friends or family members in challenging situations.  So to answer the question, I hope I would be brave enough to protect my friend, but I am honestly not sure.”

In reality, the majority of people are bystanders.  This MLK quote is evidence of that.  The majority of us are “good” people.  We aren’t saying mean, cruel and racist things to people we interact with.  We’re not the ones being violent.  But our silence is saying something….. Is it saying that these things don’t matter to us?  Am I communicating to my minority friends and community members that what hurts them is insignificant to me?  Is my silence illustrating that I do not appreciate the sacrifice our local law enforcement officers and their families make to keep our community safe?

So in light of this, I want to take this moment to say that the issue of racial injustice does matter to me.  It pains me to know that you have to consider things that never cross my mind just because of your skin color. The racial profiling you encounter angers me; it’s not fair.  It burdens me to know that you have been made to feel inferior at times.  On a personal level, I am sorry for any prejudices or judgments I have made in the past due to my own fear or ignorance.  Forgive me for my judgements and my silence.

And to our brave officers who daily risk their lives for my freedom and safety, I thank you for your service.  I recognize that some situations you encounter are scary and uncertain.  I pray for your safety and that you will have wisdom and knowledge of how to handle all situations.

My prayers are with those who have lost loved ones and for those who have been hurt by injustice or violence of any kind.  I will pray that believers, including myself, will have the courage to take a stand when we need to stand, the wisdom to be silent when our words will hurt, and above all for the compassion to love others the way that Christ loves us.  Break our hearts Lord, for what breaks yours, and show us the way to unify our hearts and minds.

Jehovah Jireh

Today the many people that make it possible for me to be here in Ethiopia have been on my heart and mind.  I’m extremely grateful for you and your support!  When I felt God leading me to Ethiopia in 2010, one of my biggest concerns was the money that I would need to live here.  God has promised that He will provide; He is our Jehovah Jireh.  I have loved watching and waiting to see how God has and will continue to provide for me. One of the many ways that God has made it possible for me to follow after Him is through the generous giving of others, and that is something I don’t take lightly.

Since I have been here in Ethiopia, I have watched God provide faithfully for me.  From the moment that God called me here, He has been working to ensure that I will have everything I need.  I don’t worry about finances anymore because I’ve watched God literally provide every penny, or should I say santeem, for me over the past 2 years.  There are some months that are tighter than others because of course unexpected expenses come up for me just like everyone else.  I have to acknowledge, there are numerous times that that I don’t have the money to pay for something unexpected.  My first reaction is to worry and fret over it, but I eventually decide to give it to the Lord, and EVERY time I have watched Him provide in unexpected ways.  It’s gotten to the point that now I choose to trust God first instead of wasting the time worrying.  There is nothing that can build your faith more than relying on God for your every need.

The reality is that we all owe everything to God.  He is the one that provides us with our jobs, homes, and belongings.  However, I feel that it is much easier to acknowledge God’s provision when you are relying on the support of others.  I am working a full-time job just like most people I know at home who get paid a salary.  However, my salary comes from others who have made it a point to invest in my students and me. 

My church has been amazing and faithful in their support of me and my ministry here at Bingham.  The church provides faithfully for me each month and also supports me in other ways.  They have blessed me with airfares to and from Ethiopia, and with the opportunity to join and serve with them here in the country I love so much.    I would not be here without their support. 

However, there are also other people who support monthly or give randomly at exactly the times I need it most.  Without these people I would not be able to teach my students.  Your support is literally reaching the ends of the earth from North America all the way to Australia and all the continents in between.  God has entrusted 27 third grade students to me this school year who are citizens of 9 different countries.  I have students in my class from all over the world, who will one day grow up and travel all over the world themselves.  I have no idea how far my circle of influence will reach, and that is something that excites me!  Sharing about my relationship with God is one of my favorite things to talk about with my students.  My prayer is that one day something that I say will resonate and plant a seed in the hearts of my students.  I hope that my students will too one day desire to follow God’s plan for their life and will be blessed with people like you to cheer them on! 

Thank you for generosity, belief, and support in me.  And remember that the same God that provides faithfully for me, will do the same for you!  Trust Him and give your financial worries to Jehovah Jireh for He will provide.

Who Wouldn’t Love It Here?

It’s true that we missionaries do sacrifice much to come to the mission field.  But in return we get to experience and have things that we never would otherwise.  Those of you who stay home are sacrificing things as well; you just don’t know what you’re missing.  I’ve put together a list of the things that tend to over-shadow my sacrifices.  It’s all about perspective……

Who wouldn’t love…..

being told you’re beautiful all the time?  

I think the Ethiopian race as a whole is made up of beautiful faces, but Ethiopians tend to think the same about us.  The Ethiopian people are often fascinated with ferengees (foreigners).    When I go outside the gates, I almost always hear the phrase betam konjo (very beautiful).  People often want to touch my hair or skin; kids want to shake or hold my hand.  It’s not abnormal for some stranger to tell me that they love me or even ask if I am married.  I have had to turn down a proposal or two in passing... no big deal.  These things would be out of the ordinary for me at home, but here they happen all the time.  Although it could make you uncomfortable at times, you still have to admit that being acknowledged and told you’re beautiful all the time would never get old! 

having a personal relationship with your DVD guy and veggie man?

Grocery shopping is one of my least favorite things to do, especially here in Addis since I have to go to numerous places to get everything I need.  But one thing that makes shopping fun is the personal relationship I have with Hennock, the guy who sells DVDs in front of the grocery store.  I love the DVD guy, and we are both mutually excited to see each other.  If I’m not with my friends, he asks about me.  If I go to Fantu (a local grocery store) and he’s not there, I ask about him.  Buying a new DVD is the last thing I need, but I always take the time to look through his DVDs.  And I feel guilty to buy from anyone else, like I’m betraying him.  Often I do not want any new DVDs, but because I like him so much I always buy at least a couple from him; it’s my way of supporting a friend.  There is something to be said about getting to know your customers because it does ensure that they will continue to support you, whether they need your product or not!

Another person that makes shopping more bearable is my veggie man.  When I pull up to buy vegetables, he always looks very excited to see me!  He greets me with “Denanish konjo?  Tefash!”  (How are you beautiful?  It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! paraphrased)  The reality is that there are several people that I could buy my fruits and vegetables from, but because I have a relationship with this guy, I keep coming back.  And in return, he brightens up my shopping experience!

cheap produce?

Speaking of fruits and vegetables, where else could you get such cheap produce?  I mean let’s face it, in America one reason it’s so hard to eat healthy is because all of the fattening stuff is cheap while the healthy stuff is expensive - especially when you want to get all ultra-healthy and only  buy organic produce.  Here in Ethiopia though, fruits and veggies are CHEAP!  I eat way more fruits and vegetables here because it’s so cheap to buy it.  What I spend on a month of produce here would be equivalent to paying for one big salad and a few apples at home.  With prices like that, all of us would eat better.  And guess what, it’s all organic here!

perfect weather?

Other than the 4 month rainy season from June-September, the weather here in Addis is pretty much….perfect.  The weather is not too hot or cold.  It’s warm in the day with no humidity, but then cools off at night.  You never need more than a light jacket, and I’m almost always in a pair of flip flops. If the temperature wasn’t enough to make you happy, then the shining sun is.  The sunshine is so bright that it can make anyone’s day better; all you need is 10 minutes in the sun, and it can turn any bad mood around.  I’ve never been a fan of cold weather, and it seems that’s because I was made to live here.  Swimming in December?  Yes, please!  I could actually have a swimming party for my birthday….fun!

bunna/machiatos?

I used to be content with a good ‘ol cup of Folgers coffee, but not anymore.  I like coffee enough that I could probably drink any kind, but you haven’t really tried coffee until you try Ethiopian bunna.  This country is known for its coffee, and let me tell you, you’re missing out!  I’ve never really been a fan of coffee without cream, but this country has won me over.  Cream or not! 

I’m a fan of the coffee in general, but nothing compares to Ethiopian machiatos.  You haven’t lived until you’ve drank one of these!  All I have to do is go to the souq (store) at Bingham, put in an order, and they will deliver one to my classroom all for the low price of about $.5o.  Spoiled, I know!  If I ever have to leave, these I will miss…

having a house helper?

Anyone that truly knows me knows that I am not a Suzie homemaker.  I mean, I can cook a few meals, (more now than before I came) but it’s not my favorite thing to do.  I’m also quite capable of keeping my house clean and doing my own laundry, but here it’s not necessary.  Since living here in Ethiopia, I’ve employed a house helper that I love dearly.  There is nothing better than coming home to a clean apartment with an unbelievable dinner waiting for me!  Meseret, my house helper, is wonderful, and she takes care of me!  I’m so grateful for her and everything she does to make my life better.  Although I could do these things myself, I don’t have to and for this I am thankful. 

You see life is all about perspective.  Yes, I do have to sacrifice some things that I love in order to follow God’s will, but He has also blessed me with much here.  I would never know what I was missing if I didn’t listen to Him….thank God I did!  Who knows what you are sacrificing by not listening…

God’s Redeeming Love

One of the things I love most about teaching at Bingham is the Christian environment I am surrounded by daily.  Every morning the staff meets before school for devotion and prayer.  It is one of my favorite parts of the day, and I wouldn’t think about missing it.  The devotions are led by different members of the staff.  We are each given a week of staff devotions in which we share something that God has laid on our hearts.  This past week I led devotions and I chose to speak on the power of God’s redemption in my own life.  Because my heart is so full with this, I want to also share with others from home.

“And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those that love him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

For years I have been fascinated with this idea of God’s redemption.  One of the things I love most about God is that He truly can work all things for good in our lives.  This verse in its essence illustrates redemption.  Stories of redemption are my favorite kinds of stories; there is something so encouraging and inspiring in the fact that God can take some of the most horrifying moments or choices of our life and turn it into a beautiful masterpiece.

Redemption can refer to the deliverance from sin---salvation--- or compensating for the faults or bad aspects of something you have done or something that has happened to you.  When I think of God’s redemption in my own life I can see evidence of both of these references.  God has in His power and sovereignty given me salvation, delivered me from my sins, redeemed some of my worst moments/ mistakes, and has somehow managed to glorify Himself through them.

Anyone who has known me since high school can attest to the fact that God has truly worked in amazing ways in my life.  I am not proud of the girl I used to be and I have a past that is shocking to many.  However, the transformation that has taken place can only bring glory to God and His power to change lives.  When I think back on my past, the only response I can manage is praise to God.  I’m so grateful that He saved me from myself and my awful choices.  Not only did He save me, but He also healed the broken parts of my life.  Only God could save me, heal my brokenness, and give me the ability to not wish any of those bad choices away, but to be grateful for them as reminders of how amazing my God truly is and how much He loves me.

How does He do it?  How is He able to redeem us from something we believe to be unredeemable?  Will we ever be able to understand it?  Do we really want to?  In my time with God today, I came across a quote from Eugene Peterson that caused me to reflect on Him and my own position in accordance to Him.

"We are not presented with a functional god who will help us out of jams or an entertainment god who will lighten our tedious hours.  We are presented with the God of exodus and Esther, the God of Sinai and Calvary.  If we want to understand God, we must do it on his terms.  If we want to see God the way he really is, we must look to the place of authority---to scripture and to Jesus Christ.

And do we really want it any other way?  I don’t think so.  We would very soon become contemptuous of a god whom we could figure out like a puzzle or learn to use like a tool.  No, if God is worth our attention at all, he must be a God we can look up to—a God we must look up to….The moment we look up to God (and not over at him, or down on him) we are in the posture of servitude.”

I don’t know how God is able to work all things in our lives for good.  I’m just grateful that He does.  If anyone who reads my blog happens to be struggling with a sin or mistake you have made in your own life,  let God’s redeeming love heal your brokenness.  He wants to do it because He loves you, and it’s a tangible way for Him to show you His power.  I promise, it will only make you fall so in love with this God that you will never be able to figure out.  And in return it will also make you want to spend your life trying.

The Seasons and My Students

I think that I always assumed that my first year of teaching would be the most difficult.  That belief was short-lived.  It only took me a few weeks into my second year to realize that theory was not always accurate.  Teaching is a year-by-year profession.  You can have an “easy” year followed by the most challenging year imaginable.  Of course there were many challenges in my first year of teaching.  However, my second year proved to be, in many ways, more challenging than my first.  The realization that teaching is a profession that restarts every August became apparent in the first few weeks of getting to know my new class of students.

My second class of first-graders was as different from my first as the seasons of summer and winter.  I use the metaphor of these two seasons because although they are opposite, they both have their advantages and disadvantages.  The heat of the summer allows you to enjoy cookouts, vacations, tubing at the lake, trips to the pool, cute and fun summer clothes, flip flops, etc…, while the winter provides you with excuses to sit next to the fire with a hot cup of cocoa, read a book while snuggling in your bed, snowball fights and snow days, Christmas and New Year’s celebrations (and for me my birthday too!).  We all have things that we like about these two seasons; we might prefer one to the other, but you have to admit that they both have perks.  The best part about the differences in seasons though is that they make you love and appreciate the other all the more. 

My first class of students was a Godsend for me as a beginning teacher.  They were well-behaved and fun-loving.  From the beginning I bonded with these students; they welcomed me into their classroom mid-year, and loved on me from the beginning.  They were special in so many ways, from their senses of humor to their love of singing and excitement in learning.  They made it easy to love every aspect of being a teacher.  I remember waking up almost every day excited to go to work! 

The excitement and success from my first year of teaching provided me with expectations that were not met for my second class.  I had a naïve mindset that this class was going to be just the same as the last.  I expected this year to be even better because let’s face it, I now have a year of experience under my belt!  I was in for a rude awakening.  This class was nothing like my first one, and by the end of the first couple of weeks, the only thing I knew was that I didn’t know much about being a teacher, and specifically nothing about being a classroom manager.

Classroom management was always one of my weakest areas when it came to teaching.  But my first class spoiled me because they did not require much management.  They were eager to please me and usually did not ever think about going against my instructions or expectations.  I kept the same management plan that the previous teacher implemented and never had to deviate.  I can’t say the same about my second class - my classroom management plan changed and evolved as often as the months changed in a year.

It was evident from the first Friday of school that this class was going to be different.  I can laugh about it now, but I will never forget the first time I had a student deliberately disobey something I had told them not to do.  I’m usually slow to anger, but when one of my students decided to go to recess after I had told them they had to sit out, I was livid!  How dare a student disobey and disrespect me like that? I couldn’t even look or talk to this student for 15 minutes because I was so angry.  This student even had the nerve, after sitting several minutes in silence to ask me, “Can I go out now?”  I had to explain that because she chose to disobey me that she had to sit out for all of recess.  I don’t think she even understood what she did to disobey me in the first place.  I had to go talk to my principal just to calm down.  Thankfully he is patient and understanding, and talked me through it. He helped me see it from a rational perspective and helped me to know how to handle it.

It is silly to me now, especially in light of many other occurrences that happened throughout this year, how angry I got at this first incident.  However, I was just as inexperienced about how to deal with many of my students as they were about many aspects of life.  One thing is for certain, we all learned more than we ever could have imagined; me being the one that grew the most.  For many of my students, I had to teach them how to do school or at least how we do school at Bingham.  I had to set expectations and make them follow those expectations.  All of them learned from multiple situations that we all make choices and our choices come with consequences.  Many of my students had to learn the hard way that listening to their friends is not always the best decision.  Students had to learn that sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do; it’s a part of life.  They had to learn that even if you might not like someone and want to be their best friend, you still have to respect them.  These are all principles and aspects that I had to teach this class of students. 

However, they taught me much more.  They taught me how important it is to be consistent.  If I said something was going to happen if they did this or that, I had to follow through, every time.  They taught me that I need to be sure I think through the things I say to them.  I learned how vital clear procedures and directions were, how to show tough love at the right moments, and have compassion and mercy in others.  They taught me the realization that every day is a new day, and the importance of not letting what happened yesterday affect today’s happenings.  Most importantly, they allowed me to understand more fully what God has to go through whenever He deals with me: how forgiving, how understanding, and how patient He has to be.  In short, what this year’s group of students taught me was how merciful and beautiful God’s love is for His children.

I have enough stories from this year’s group of students to write a book.  I could probably start multiple children’s series like Junie B. Jones starring many of my students.  I most definitely had some characters in my class that kept me on my toes!  From attempted runaway students, to cheeky boys going into the girls’ bathroom, fighting over soccer games, throwing huge rocks on the playground, picking fights with 8^th graders, constantly shouting at classmates - you name it, I’ve had it.  Stories about my first graders were often the topic of conversation at dinner with my colleagues.  If they had a story, I could almost always top it!

As I reflect back on this year, many memories come to mind.  I laugh at the things that happened and think fondly of the students that starred in the many scenes.  There was never a dull moment in my classroom; no two days were alike.  Although it was difficult at times, I wouldn’t trade it for anything!  I can’t wait to see what this group of students will turn out to be.  I know that all of the characteristics and qualities that cause them to be so full of life and mischievous will only work together to one day make them great at whatever God has planned for their lives.

Summer is my favorite season but December, the first month of winter, is my favorite month of the year.  They can’t be more different from one another, but they both contain aspects that I love.  The same can be said about my two first classes.  My first class is like my summer, but my second is like the month of December.  Having one class made me love and appreciate the other class all the more. 

Spiritual Challenges

If I had to describe this year using one word, I would say challenging.  As I reflect over my second year of teaching, my second year of living in Ethiopia, and my 8^th year of being a Christ follower, I feel that this has been a year filled with numerous challenges.  The challenges that I’ve encountered have been spiritual, cultural, and professional.  However, in hindsight when I think about it, one scripture passage comes to mind:

 “Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.” James 1:-4

Although I have grown up in church, and have regularly attended since I was a child, I don’t consider myself making a personal choice to seek and serve Jesus until I was 17.  This was the time in which my life was forever changed by Jesus Christ and His gift of salvation.  Since then, I make many mistakes every day, but I’ve also daily desired to grow closer to God.  When I look back on how much God has changed me since then, there is only one word that comes to mind: redemption.  I’m living proof that God is a Redeemer, and He can take ashes and turn them into beauty.

Over the years, He has taken a selfish, lost girl and turned her into a strong woman of God.  The 25 year old version of me doesn’t even recognize the 17 year old girl I once was.  There are times I see remnants of her in myself, but other times I am amazed at how much God has changed me.  He has changed my heart’s desires, passions, and priorities. He’s given me a faith that pushes limits.  And a courage to not fear but follow Him.  I’ve heard Him speak to the private chambers of my heart, seen Him move mountains, and work miracles.  I’ve been blessed by His provisions, strengthened by his wisdom in withholding, and humbled by His divine timing.

I’ve had years filled with spiritual highs in which I can rejoice in all that I have seen the Lord do in and around me.  However, often times these years have been followed by years in which I barely notice His presence.  This past year has more closely resembled the latter.  If I had to describe my spiritual state over the past year, the word dry would be the most appropriate adjective to fill in the blank.  I’m surrounded by an encouraging and supportive Christian community, fulfilling the will that I know the Lord has for my life, but yet I have felt spiritually numb. 

There have been days that I come home worn out and exhausted and instead of going to the One who sustains my life, I choose to do something mindless and not fulfilling.  I feel as if my walk with the Lord has been a continual battle of me choosing other idols or “less wild lovers”, as John Eldridge and Brent Curtis state in The Sacred Romance, over God.  I’m living proof of someone who has experienced the glorious power and love of Christ, but yet I choose other things to fill my time and satisfy me.

As I’m starting to get on the other side of this spiritual drought, I’m starting to realize how this is a part of being human.  I’ve talked to Christians that I admire and look up to who have gone through the same battles multiple times over the years.  I’ve read books by authors who have experienced the same seasons.  As I look through scripture, it’s evident that God’s people have always struggled with choosing idols over Him.  But the questions to wrestle with are: What do I do when I find myself in this state?  How does God use it for His glory?

The most encouraging thing I read during this season was from C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape Letters.  C.S. Lewis writes:

The prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him (God) best…..Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending to do God’s will, looks around upon a Universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

What I have found to be true is that, when you don’t feel like obeying what God has spoken, or feel like opening up the word, or feel like praying, these are the times that are the most meaningful.  Sometimes you just have to press through and believe by faith that God is there with you and is listening to your prayers and meeting with you as you open His word.

Some of my prayers during this time have been the most honest and raw prayers I’ve ever prayed.  Although they haven’t been as frequent, they have been true and unhindered.  My journal has not been written in as often, but the entries are filled with evidence of this battle within my heart and my desire to get beyond it.  Although I feel that I have had a lack of faith, in Christ’s power I’ve still had the ability to stand firm.  I’ve lost my balance a few times, but the foundation has remained intact. 

God is glorified in these times because His power and character are tested and proven true.  It becomes evident that God remains faithful even when you do not.  You experience His grace and it humbles you.  You realize that there is nothing really special about you; you can’t take credit for anything when it comes to you and God.  It forces you to acknowledge that you serve a special God who has an unfailing love and performs wonderful deeds for men. (Psalm 107)

This year has been a year of trials, and in hindsight I’m considering it pure joy.  I’ve been tested and have persevered so that God may finish His work in me.  I’m so thankful that He loves me the way that I am, but doesn’t want to keep me that way.  I’m grateful for His refinement and redemption in my life, and I look forward to another year of serving Him in Ethiopia.